Dear myself: a letter of apology

Dear myself, I owe you…

I shattered the bottle on the wooden floor

My sloppy fingers couldn’t hold it anymore

Numbed away in a wine riptide

As I sit, as I fade, as I subside…

 

Dear myself, no tears are left in this slow motion…

Lost lucidity, washed emotion

My mouth has made a pact: liquid sedation,

Drowning myself, remain unfelt as a salvation

 

Dear myself, before I collapse,

I whispered all I couldn’t say into the glass

Dear myself, here’s my confession

Flooding the room, this spilled expression:

 

Dear myself, I owe you love

And a full gaze into my own abyss

And a kiss for every bullet, hit and miss

Of trying to finish you with no pitty,

Dear myself, I owe you dignity

And not just a mere plastic bag reputation,

A dysfunctional cage, lifetime incarceration.

 

Dear myself, I owe you time, I owe you space

For every dawn I stayed awake, wishing to self-erase

Dear myself, I owe you sorry, again and again

For my own hands against my throat wishing to die

For the self-hate, the self-harm, self-sabotage, self-muted-cry

 

Dear myself, I owe you understanding

I pushed you down, but you kept standing,

For all the scars I never saw as warrior spears

For all the flaws I kept hiding, unlived years

For all the times I never let myself shine through

Decades squeezing into forced normality world view

 

Dear myself, I owe you freedom and dreams came true

Dear myself I owe you gratitude, empowerment, I owe you,

Dear myself, an embracing lap to rest your head from my own violence,

And breaking free from my own ghosts, new world to breathe, new existence

A cosmic dance to fall in love like it should have been

A true restart, dear myself, reborn within.

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